Hello guys, gals and non-binary pals, it's me, your resident horny bitch, Gale Weathers!
Tonight we're going to be having a little fun, looking at the cast and crew who have come together in this, our first-ever season of Survivor Quarantine.
And if you think these folk have got problems, have I got news for you; I'm a 28-year-old British male pretending to be an American woman in an online game that has NO bearing on the real world!
So, let's get on with things shall we?
First up, our hosting trio. Hey Kim, hey Parv, hey Theo! Sorry if I'm interrupting one of what I imagine are intense challenge prep meetings. It must take all of your three combined braincells to come up with 'post every 10 minutes' and 'fastest typer wins'.
I joke, I joke... you know I appreciate you. But anymore stress coming my way and you may just have to sleep with one eye open...
Wendy! Marceline! Two sides of the same, rusted old coin: cheap, boring and unhelpful.
Wendy girl, you really thought taking an immunity idol advantage in the challenge would be a good move? Thank you for creating that LARGE target on your back! You did all the work for me.
Speaking of large, Mr. Jack Black! Hello, kind sir. I must say, your misting abilities have really cut through to me, I'm still unsure whether you really are as clueless as you appear to be, or if you're playing the game harder than anybody. Either way, one thing's for sure: you and I will be friends after this game's up.
Ah, Lucifer. Our resident, paranoid mess. What more is there to say about someone who talks so much shit to everybody, and places a space before a period at the end of a sentence? ILLITERATE!
Tweety! Otherwise known as our comp beast. Why did you go so hard for that immunity when you knew you had work coming up? You should've taken an incentive when you had the opportunity! You're certainly an endurance champ and, as it so happens, you've got brains to go with it. A shame you cannot utilise both of these things in tandem!
Beth, Beth... You think you're smart, huh? Whilst everybody else thinks you're playing chess, I know you're playing checkers. I'm the only Queen in this game and whilst you may think you're using me as a Pawn, the reality of the fact is it's quite the opposite my dear...
Peppa. Oink!
Lindsey! It's hard to roast somebody who you have such a genuine and profound respect for. Which is why this should be a walk in a park... Just kidding girl, you know you're my ride-or-die in this game.
Indiana... Sit on my face.
Then we have Cara. A woman who named her cat after her other - deceased - cat. I love you girl I can't even read you, but that shit is FUNNY. Especially when you called a boy cat a typically female name! Or was it the other way round?
Oh, I forgot somebody... Oh, it's Lafayette! Well, that one speaks for itself...
Thank you and GOODNIGHT!
Subject: Welcome... TO THE ROAST! 
Thu 4 Mar - 15:45:33
