The Roast of Isla Nubar

Hello castaways of Isla Nubar!
Welcome to the Survivor Quarantine Roast of 2021


My name is Ash Ketchum, and I already know what you're gonna say.... Aren't you only 10 years old?

Yes, yes I am. And y'all are about to get roasted by a future Pokemon Master.
So here we go!

Let's start with some castaways who aren't on my tribe.

Andrew Deluca. You may be handsome. You may be smart. But like your run on Grey's Anatomy, your stay here will be short lived.

Bellatrix Lestrange, girl first off have you never heard of a hair brush? Someone check to make sure she's not smuggling small rodents in that nest. Also I'm surprised Voldemort let you leave the Death Eaters to come here. Are you guys struggling for cash?  

Hannah Montana. You sing One in a Million beautifully. And just like your chances of winning this season, they are also One in a Million.

Moving onto the Indominus Tribe.

Addison, poor Addison. We hardly knew you.

Flapjack. You may seem like a sweet innocent child. But we all know without Captain K'nuckles you'd probably be dead by now.

Willy Wonka is here everybody. Thank you for taking time out of your day of kidnapping and enslaving an entire culture to be here. I'm sure the Oompa Loompa's are happy to not see you. Also don't you have kids to go traumatize?

Shemar Moore, my how the mighty have fallen. You were on that hit show Criminal Minds for so long. By like your character, you can barely get by without the help of a girl and her kick ass computer skills.

Now moving onto my tribemates

Jade, are you okay? Blink twice if you're in danger.

Ariel. You already seem to be trying to kick it off with Andrew on the other tribe. Girl you don't need no man. What you need is a textbook so you can stop using my fork as your damn hairbrush.

Truman. Nobody wants to go fishing with you. I'd rather be fishing for a cool Pokemon than whatever that dino is.

Zia, I have nothing bad to say. You know for a dino-obsessed nerd you are pretty chill.

Stewie. Do us all a favor and JUST COME OUT ALREADY. We know.

And finally Natasha's fake sister. While you might not be an Avenger like Natasha, you are a castaway on Survivor. Which compared to your sister saving the world, seems kinda insignificant. Kind of like Jade.

Thank you all for attending my roast. If you laughed then my name is Ash. And if you didn't, then my name is Gary Oak!